youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
