That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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