Dual....:-)
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
