and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
