a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
