I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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