I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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