just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
