life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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