I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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