At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
