I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
