Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
