Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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