My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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