im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
