she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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