I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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