I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
