so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
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Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
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Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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