the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
