rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
