did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
