you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
