Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
