Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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