I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Randomize
