ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
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Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
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Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
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