I think my fart just growled at me.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
When did we convert life to cartoon?
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
