there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
