I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
