I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
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I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
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Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I'm too high and old for this...
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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