I didn't shave. On purpose
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
