her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
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The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
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Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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