If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
