I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Randomize
