i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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