Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Found the puke drawer
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
