She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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