I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
