I want to have your abortion
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
