my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
