shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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