Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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