If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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