When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
