bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
