i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Randomize
