Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.