he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
