I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Randomize
