Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize
