I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
