Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
