JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
