So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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