he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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