If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
