sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Church boner. Awkwardddd
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
